We’ve all experienced deja vu, even those of us who don’t believe in that or don’t get all gooey about it when it happens. But have you experienced it in this lifetime, around a corner in this short period that we spend here? Of course you have, pay attention. This is such a little span of time that we call life.
Today I walked into Ralph’s, yeah Ralph’s the grocery store. But I walked into “that” Ralph’s, “our” Ralph’s. The one I shopped in for years when we lived together as a couple, as a couple without kids for the first time in our relationship. Shit, I just put more of that together than why I had expected. Let’s me not digress.
I walked into Ralph’s and as soon as the automatic doors open and I stepped in it was like a time warp, I was instantly transported into a different lifetime. I’m telling you it was déjà vu. The carts to the left, the apple stacked just beyond the flowers whose fragrance was overpowering and fighting with the Starbucks coffee being brewed, as I stepped further into the past. Who was that person, whose life was that. It was a lifetime ago, maybe someone else’s life, I really don’t know, you see it was me, but I wasn’t there.
Twenty three years, that’s what it was, twenty three years I lived that life. That lifetime that I lived could be the time, the lifetime I will live. As easily as I lived and lost that twenty three years could easily be my next, twenty three years. At fiddy something I now have the chance to not allow my end of life to be the same as the last twenty three. Admittedly I wouldn’t have minded doing this as thirty or even forty something, but he had to get what he needed and took all that I had at those prime times. My friends were faced with this at thirty something, forty something. So I am faced with it at fifty something. If you are with me, you know its different.
Now I recall when I walked into our first Ralph’s, after adopting our new Ralph’s, back at our beginning, when we were new our families, kids melding into a single unit. Oh bullshit that never happened it was a dream, a desire, a goal but hell our beautiful kids lived through it, we were just the catalyst, the introduction, they made happen, what we never could. Years after we left that area and I walked into that Ralph’s I felt a tinge of what I felt today, but you were still with me so it was not painful it was nostalgic. Today was painful, not because of you but in spite of you. You see you were never there, I know that now, you were never there. You were never there; you were never there….. For me. I walked in there today alone, the same way I did for years while we were together. Even today, you are not there now except when you need, to fill whatever void you are experiencing. As with any friend I can be there, not that I always will. Can, will; very different.
I have a new Ralph’s, I go there with someone I love like I have loved no other. Someone who loves me unconditionally, regardless of what his mother thinks. My grandson, is the very joy of my being. My daughter was, is my sunshine, my grandson is my joy. They are what I have worked for, they are what I live for, they are everything that is good and right in my lifetime. They give, they gave me meaning.
So as I was checking out at Ralph’s and I was asked if I found everything I was looking for; No, not at all, I found so much more.