All posts by Fiddy Something

Devoted wife in long term marriage turned "Fiddy-Something", divorced and not devastated.

Who’s on first?

I’ve come to the realization of what is wrong. Not with me, not with anyone, but what is wrong with the situation.

My grandson had a baseball game on Sunday, he’s a junior now, drafted by a local private high school to pitch for their baseball team during his sophomore year,  played for varsity. I love going to his games. For a few years I promised myself I would make more games, but the business always got in the way. Keeping the business afloat was always in the forefront of my mind. The business supported the family, the business was our livelihood, the business would be our retirement. The business was our demise. It’s where I lost all or any possible hints of respect. Yeah, oh well, right?

So I told my “ex in process”, oh no wait he asked me; “Does Ryan have a game this weekend?” “Yes on Sunday”. His response oh yeah Alexis (Ryan’s mom, my daughter) told me it’s at 2:00.  So I go through Saturday within my normal routines and then on Sunday, I text my soon to be ex, will you be at Ryan’s game, I’ll bring your stadium seat. A seat his ass has graced maybe three times over the last four or so years. I go about my day pondering about the fact that my almost ex’s son has not invited him to thanksgiving dinner, the first time this event has taken place at his home. I am somewhat disturbed by this, it’s  his dad, not my biological son, but my son, not his mothers son, but my son in our way, and certainly my daughters brother. I do feel bad thinking about the fact that the ex in process will be alone. I think back on thanksgiving days gone by. Frankly, we were only the finish line to his bike ride, the destination that had nothing to do with being with us, we were just the end, the stopping point.  But I could not help but feel bad about the fact that his dad was not welcome to thanksgiving dinner. I mean would we not invite a stranger to dinner, why the would we not invite the father of these kids.

So I get a phone call from my, soon to be my ex, “don’t bother lugging out the other chair, I’m heading to San Diego to look at parts for my new tandem bike”. Hello! That sure woke me up! So I’m cured, I mean really you are going to drive three plus hour, each way, to look at bike parts and miss your grandsons first game. F you is what I think; kill your own damn turkey.

So who is this tandom for, who will be on the back of that bike. If you imply one more time that you are so looking forward to Rick being on the back of that bike I will have to put on a turkey suit and prance in front of hunters. I know how much you enjoy riding with Rick, but I also see the posts and she is in every one of them,. So, shut the hell up and go peddle your crap somewhere else. I have a have a baseball game to go see and Thursday, I will give thanks for who I get to watch them with.

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Ralph’s Time, moving forward into the past.

We’ve all experienced deja vu, even those of us who don’t believe in that or don’t get all gooey about it when it happens. But have you experienced it in this lifetime, around a corner in this short period that we spend here? Of course you have, pay attention. This is  such a little span of time that we call life.

Today I walked into Ralph’s, yeah Ralph’s the grocery store. But I walked into “that” Ralph’s, “our” Ralph’s. The one I shopped in for years when we lived together as a couple, as a couple without kids for the first time in our relationship. Shit, I just put more of that together than why I had expected. Let’s me not digress.

I walked into Ralph’s and as soon as the automatic doors open and I stepped in it was like a time warp, I was instantly transported into a different lifetime. I’m telling you it was déjà vu. The carts to the left, the apple stacked just beyond the flowers whose fragrance was overpowering and fighting with the Starbucks coffee being brewed, as I stepped further into the past. Who was that person, whose life was that. It was a lifetime ago, maybe someone else’s life, I really don’t know, you see it was me, but I wasn’t there.

Twenty three years, that’s what it was, twenty three years I lived that life. That lifetime that I lived could be the time, the lifetime I will live. As easily as I lived and lost that twenty three years could easily be my next, twenty three years. At fiddy something I now have the chance to not allow my end of life to be the same as the last twenty three. Admittedly I wouldn’t have minded doing this as thirty or even forty something, but he had to get what he needed and took all that I had at those prime times. My friends were faced with this at thirty something, forty something. So I am faced with it at fifty something. If you are with me, you know its different.

Now I recall when I walked into our first Ralph’s, after adopting our new Ralph’s, back at our beginning, when we were new our families, kids melding into a single unit. Oh bullshit that never happened it was a dream, a desire, a goal but hell our beautiful kids lived through it, we were just the catalyst, the introduction, they made happen, what we never could. Years after we left that area and I walked into that Ralph’s I felt a tinge of what I felt today, but you were still with me so it was not painful it was nostalgic. Today was painful, not because of you but in spite of you. You see you were never there, I know that now, you were never there. You were never there; you were never there….. For me. I walked in there today alone, the same way I did for years while we were together. Even today, you are not there now except when you need, to fill whatever void you are experiencing. As with any friend I can be there, not that I always will. Can, will; very different.

I have a new Ralph’s, I go there with someone I love like I have loved no other. Someone who loves me unconditionally, regardless of what his mother thinks. My grandson, is the very joy of my being. My daughter was, is my sunshine, my grandson is my joy. They are what I have worked for, they are what I live for, they are everything that is good and right in my lifetime. They give, they gave me meaning.

So as I was checking out at Ralph’s and I was asked if I found everything I was looking for; No, not at all, I found so much more.

“I’m just working on myself”

It’s not new, this has been an ongoing event. The beauty and self realization of someone who recognizes and acts on the need, the desire, the self awareness to work on themselves.

That’s what he’s doing, my ex husband. He’s “just working on himself”. Take a selfish person put them in The Program, gives them the excuse to expand on his selfishness. Of course he can’t see it because, well…. He’s selfish.

My brother summed it up for me. So simple really. I have pondered the ludicrously of the situation, but now I get it. When they explain that “I’m just working on myself”, it’s just another way of saying, “I’ve found a great way of doing nothing”, makes sense, because the rest of us are “being ourselves”, while we get shit done. It’s not always fun, it’s not always rewarding, we are not given a cake on each anniversary date that we complete, ummmm getting shit done.

Think about it, it will come to you. Think hard, ponder about that person…. Are they actually “doing” anything. Right?

So my brother isn’t fiddy something, he’s sidedly something, but he’s welcome in my club anytime.

Picking a template verses getting laid

I have an epiphany  tonight and can’t wait to get it out. So I think a blog, what the hell, why not stay anonymous . So I Google “how the $@&# do you blog”  so I can get this shit out of my head.

So instead of telling you my epiphany about how I realized tonight that I may truly have to face the fact that I may never get laid again, I have to tell you when picking this template I couldn’t see shit. How small do they have to make those icons. So? I went with the template Hemingway just because I like his shit.

And  THAT……. is Fiddy something .

Fantastic Cafe – Take out or Pickup Joint?

Fantastic Cafe is a local franchise where you can walk up to the counter order, get your number sit and they’ll bring it to you, or you take out. I never thought about it having pick up,  that is until last week.

On my way in to work I stop in for my no cheese veggie omelet with cottage cheese. I have not been to this particular Cafe because I’ve only been driving this route for about six months.

As I’m walking back to my car carrying my breakfast and coffee, I notice a male employee across the parking lot sweeping up trash. He starts sweeping in my direction. Nice looking kid, twenty something. I’m fumbling for my keys and can hear him talking and realize he’s talking to me, asking me a question; I realize he’s asking me “out”. I start laughing and immediately see in his face I’ve hurt his feelings or maybe it’s his pride.

I snap out of it and like any other “fiddy-something” woman would say, I blurt out ” I’m old enough to be your mother”. That should have been a boner kill, but not this kid. He tells me he likes older women and asks “Would you go out with someone like me?”

I’m not sure what all he has said, but I look him straight in the eyes. Good looking, really pretty good looking, great eyes, wait…..still twenty something, I’m now internally screaming at myself , SNAP OUT OF IT…..my response and emphatic “NO! practically falling over myself to get in my car; smooth.

So next time you run in for take out, you might be in store for a pick up.

Flashback on Addictive Behavior

You know how in a movie theren is a flashback that helps you to put it all together to figure out what’s going on? Can you have a flashback in a blog? I don’t know if you can or not, but I’m giving you one anyway. The history will come, so stay tuned.

I’m in my office, back office of our IT firm, my “husband’s” business, always in the back office, the back seat. Tucked away making it all happen. Yeah it’s a metaphor, the program calls it “enabling”, people that don’t have that excuse call it making a living.

He decides to hire yet another assistant, someone from “The Program”, always the one to help everyone, anyone, everyone…..but “us”.  I don’t like or dislike her, it’s not the point, and she’s not the first one he’s attempted to save; whatever.  But a day comes shortly after she’s hired that she just doesn’t show up for work, a day, another,  a week, two weeks goes by. When she comes back she and my “husband” are standing in my “office/storage room” and I make a comment about how nice it is to have her back, my sarcasm lost on the selfishness of this personality type. Her response is, and I quote “my friend showed up unexpectedly and well you know, she’s fifty and divorced, what could i do?” I just looked at her with a blank stare. In her defense, I think she got that.

So, yeah my husband forgives her for taking off time unapproved and unannounced, just a no show, to spend time with her friend because there is a silent desperation of being “fiddy something” that requires a “friend” to be there for her and certainly my “husband” should be the one to front the cost, emotionally and otherwise of that event. Poor thing, but how wonderful that she has such a great friend to support her.  Really? Who’s emotional and financial pocket is that coming from? WOW!

Dallas Spin Off

I wonder if my mother ever watched Knots Landing. I mean really doesn’t every Fiddy something woman who misses her mother ask that question? I don’t even know why this 40 year old event surfaced. I wonder though, did she want to see how my dad was living out there in Granada Hills on Crystalaire court?

Maybe it’s that change of life thing I mentioned in my past entry, you know the big “M”….. “Me”, DIVORCE that’s the change I was talking about, 20+ years later and finding myself divorced. When did that happen?

I wonder…..maybe it’s just a Knots Landing flashback, maybe it’s a trip down memory lane; Maybe it’s just being Fiddy something.